#Intent 

Now that I have more time on my hands I will be dedicating some of it to advocating on behalf of single dads. My experiences as a single dad taking on the legal system have been frustrating to say the least. Now that I am comfortable in the system and I am getting to know my way around court proceedings I would like to help those with out the ability to retain and contact a lawyer. I am not offering legal services - but I will lend an ear and help steer men in the right direction. 

Part of helping men through a custody battle is focusing on the relationship with your ex - partner. The most common issue I see when I am in court (waiting for my own turn in front of the Judge) is that both partners have not yet healed themselves from an emotional break up and often put their children in the middle of the separation. In the three cases that I have followed closely (my very good long time friends) I have seen mothers unjustly deny custody or visitation to the father through unfounded allegations and strategic (and heavily biased) proceedings with the help of publicly funded lawyers.

Men, brothers, uncles, dads - I feel your pain. With the same inspiration/motivation that helped me run for public office I would like to reach out a helping hand to Dad's in need of some one to turn to in the most difficult of times. I fully understand that the current legal system is heavily biased against Fathers and I will do everything in my power to change the way the legal system views men in their role as a parent after separation.

Here are a few of the ideas that I will be implementing shortly as an advocate and concerned father/citizen.

1. Dad support group - This group will be an inclusive dad group for divorced, widowed, married and single dads. ALL DADS are welcome. During this group meeting we will be talking about OUR experiences as fathers and the struggles that men face. I would also like to discuss in detail the different types of discrimination/struggles we face as men/fathers. 
It is very important to me that Dad's bring their children with them so I will be providing child care during these meetings. Stay tuned for the first event.

2. Lobbying work - Knowing that our current legal system is heavily biased against men and fathers I will be working with politicians and community groups to begin lobbying the government to change it's ways. After running for mayor, I have made the right connections to get my foot in the door and begin talking to the right people about how to do this.

3. Blogging - I will work hard to keep fathers and dads up to date about the progress that I am making as well as trying to connect fathers with current support systems in place.

Basically, Im trying to help out other Dad's so that they don't have to go through what I went through. If you are a dad or know of a dad who is having marital issues, child care issues, legal issues or any issues that are affecting his ability to do his job as a Father please pass this page and my email on. Together we can make a difference in the lives of our youth and our communities. 

Thank You and I look forward to hearing from you

East Van Single Dad aka Harley Rose

eastvansingledad@gmail.com

East Van Single Dad for Mayor

Tonight, instead of rushing out the door to another all candidates meeting I sat at home and enjoyed some quality time with my son. Not because I wanted to watch Battlefield: Los Angeles again but because I know how important it is to spend quality time with family. Being at home with my son IS the most important thing in my life regardless of what is going on in the world around me.

My home time with my son is where we take a minute to reflect on the things we have seen and learned about during the day. We like to ask each other questions like, “based on how hungry you are, what animal would you be right now?” My son has always had great answers and even greater follow up questions but today he shocked me. Today he simply told me, “I guess being the mayor is kind of like being the cities Dad.” Such an easy, obvious statement really struck a chord with me.

I would run this city much the same way I would parent. Make sure there is food on the table, a roof over our head and clothes on our back. I always try to get my son to school on time and get homework done every day. Get a little exercise, play a little music. Check the investments, make sure the stocks are still earning and maybe smoke a little j at the end of the night with my girlfriend for a nightcap.

You can take those metaphors however you want to. I think the point I was trying to make in there somewhere before I got sidetracked was that our politicians need to act like role models when they occupy office. You need to treat citizens with the same respect you would treat your kids with. That means no spinning the truth, be honest and upfront. If you make a mistake own up to it. And please, don't treat us like we are stupid because we can see through your bullshit.

Thanks,

Dubgee  

Teaching your kids not to swear

My Experience

When I was a kid, I got my mouth washed out with soap. I know that it didn't work either because as soon as I was out of earshot, I would cuss up a storm. And still do. I've tried to keep my foul mouth out of the ears of my child but haven't been as successful as I would have liked. So it does surprise me when my son has never had a problem with bad language. As he gets older though, I have noticed his slip ups and I'm beginning to see that my son is not the angel I think that he is.

The Situation

This past Friday, he came to me with on odd statement. "Dad, I know what a COCK is."

I burst out laughing. I couldn't help myself. It was totally unexpected.

I caught my breath and asked him, hoping for the answer - ROOSTER, "Do you know what a cock is?" Still hanging on to the dream of child innocence.

"Ummmmm, it's kind of like your balls....." he replied, a little unsure of himself.

"Use it in a sentence," I said to him.

"Well, the other day on the playground I called stephen a COCK."

Okay. He definitely is using it in THAT context i told myself. "What other bad words do you know?" I could see the insecurity building. He wanted to tell his dad/friend all these bad words he knew but he was worried about the repercussions. I decided to have use of language as the theme for our weekend together. (We only get one weekend a month together and we usually "go hard!" and have lots of fun.)

The Resolution

So we took a fun look at foul language, talked about when it is and isn't appropriate and made sure we knew what some of these words meant. I also told Isaiah to pick five bad words that he knew and tell me what they are. We watched the line up scene from "The Usual Suspects" but done with lego, and watched Starship Troopers, which is quasi-related to his favorite video game Starcraft.

We also talked about intent of language. We came to the conclusion that no matter what words you say, intent is the harmful part of a comment. Swearing isn't just about vocabulary, it is about body language, tone of voice and what message you are trying to convey with your statement and choice of words.

We also talked about being yourself and being confident in other ways of expressing yourself. For a guy, being in touch with your feelings usually means your "being a pussy" but it's the guys who figure it out that get ahead in life. Confidence comes with knowing who you are and being able to communicate that to other people with the use of appropriate communication.

Exploring the use of foul language with my son also bonded us by letting my son know that as always, Dad would rather teach and explore with him rather than yell scream and wash his mouth out with soap. He continues to grow more and more comfortable in telling me what is really on his mind because he is not fearful of repercussion.

On thursday, I will suggest some ways to talk about swearing and cussing with your kids in a healthy and humourous manner. Until then, keep being a great parent.

Joining the homework club

I was on my way home with my son yesterday, when I asked him what he had for homework. "Oh, just spelling dad. But it's not homework, it's just the list."

Every week the class gets a list of spelling words they need to commit to learning. This week the focus was on ou words like found and colour.

Instead of quizing him on these words like I usually do, I told him," okay, you quiz me now."

He looked pretty puzzled but decided to play along. Sound, found, group, should. I spelled them all out for him as fast as he could read them. I could tell my son was having so much fun he even threw some curve balls that weren't on the list!

After he ran out of words I asked him, "did you have fun? Did you know why I did that?"

"how come dad?"

"So that you have a benchmark. Now you know how well you have to spell in order to be as good as Dad."

The moral of this story - let your kid be the parent sometimes. Let the young ones know what you expect from them and how it feels to be in your shoes.

On a side note, I think the show Are you smarter than a fifth grader should be renamed to can you still remember fifth grade. But then we wouldn't have losers to point and laugh at, which is a huge part of our culture.

I think this strategy only has a few more years left though, cuz I can't remember anything about highschool except it sucked a whole lotta ass.

Until next time, keep being a good parent!

Hip Hop for Parents

Using hip hop to relate to your kids


Welcome to my Hip Hop for Parents series. I'm pretty sure I'm committing some sort of copyright infraction by posting these lyrics and videos, but I'm posting them for the common good (get it - common? Bad pun, sorry!!). Please don't sue me Common, I bought tickets to your last show.


The goal of these posts is to give parents an avenue to open dialogue with thier children about issues that we go through in life. By offering a song for your children to listen to, they will have an opportunity to prepare for a topic and have a hypothetical situation to relate thier problems with you if they are not comfortable disclosing thier life to you. Also, by using hip hop as a medium, you can earn a little cred just because you listen to the genre. (Again assuming your not a hip parent at all ;)


So, for example, when my son is ten (i know he has done sex ed, but its all biological sex and not the emotional part of things he has learned) I will tell him, hey, can you listen to a song for me and let me know what you think? And I will give him the link (nobody plays vinyls anymore) and ask him to come and holler at me when he is done. Hopefully, he will have some thoughts and feelings about the song and it's issues and be able to tell me how he feels about the topic. (This assumes your children are comfortable talking to you in the first place.) 


Common, Lauryn and Stevie
This first song is called Retrospect for Life. The song was written by Common and features vocals by Lauryn Hill, all laid over an amazing Stevie Wonder sample. This song is great for opening up dialogue about responsible sex for teenagers. The track is written from the point of view of a young black male who has just shared the experience of abortion with his girlfriend and he is thinking about the consequences of his actions. I don't think that this track is written from a "religious guilt" standpoint but rather the convictions of an average joe.  


What is my stance on teen sex?
My stance on teens having sex is just to be responsible. Too many kids are going out and boning for the sake of boning. Sex is good, great and other things and we can not stop kids from doing it. But if we teach them to enjoy it responsibly maybe we can stave off pregnancy and disease for a a couple more years, hmmmmmmm parents?


Advice
My advice to parents who want to open up the "responsible sex" dialogue with their teen but are not sure how is to just ask your child to listen to this song and come and talk to you after they have finished. Let your son or daughter know that you would love to just "see where they're at" with their knowledge of relationship and sex. 


Experience
My mom first bought me a pack of condoms when I was about twelve. I could not have been more disappointed in my life. I wasn't going to use those things because sex wasn't even on my mind when I was that old. (i'm pretty sure I was into titties breasts but not full on sex.) I'm just trying to make it easier for parents than it was for my Mom. And in the next four years I'm going to have to have the same talk with my son. Please share your thoughts about the sex talk you've had with your kids and what did and didn't work.


Enjoy the video and keep being a good parent!

Yo we gotta start respectin life more y'all
You look at your brother man you gotta see yourself
Gotta see the God within him
Brothers gettin changed real quick over nothin
We losin too many of ours
Gotta recreate y'all
Yo check it

Knowin you the best part of life do I have the right to take yours
Cause I created you irresponsibly
Subconciously knowin the act I was a part of
The start of somethin, I'm not ready to bring into the world
Had myself believin I was sterile
I look into mother's stomach, wonder if you are a boy or a girl
Turnin this woman's womb into a tomb
But she and I agree, a seed we don't need
You would've been much more than a mouth to feed
But someone, I woulda fed this information I read
to someone, my life for you I woulda had to leave
Instead I lead you to death
I'm sorry for takin your first breath, first step, and first cry
But I wasn't prepared mentally nor financially
Havin a child shouldn't have to bring out the man in me
Plus I wanted you to be raised within a family
I don't wanna, go through the drama of havin a baby's momma
Weekend visits and buyin J's ain't gon' make me a father
For a while bearing a child is somethin I never wanted to do
For me to live forever I can only do that through you
Nerve I got to talk about them niggaz with a gun
Must have really thought I was God to take the life of my son
I could have sacrificed goin out
To think my homies who did it I used to joke about, from now on
I'ma use self control instead of birth control
Cause $315 ain't worth your soul
$315 ain't worth your soul
$315 ain't worth it

[Lauryn Hill (two layers of vocals, same words)]
I, never dreamed you'd leave, in summer
You said you would be here when it rained
[Common] Yo
Why didn't you stay

Seeing you as a present and a gift in itself
You had our child in you, I probably never feel what you felt
But you dealt with it like the strong black woman you are
Through our trials and tribulations, child's elimination
An intergration of thoughts I feel about the situation
Back and forth my feelings was pacin
Happy deep down but not joyed enough to have it
But even that's a lie in less than two weeks, we was back at it
Is this unprotected love or safe to say it's lust
Bustin, more than the sweat in somebody you trust
Or is it that we don't trust each other enough
And believe, havin this child'll make us have to stay together
Girl I want you in my life cause you have made it better
Thinkin we all in love cause we can spend a day together
We talkin spendin the rest of our lives
It's too many black women that can say they mothers
but can't say that they wives
I wouldn't chose any other to mother my understanding
But I want our Parenthood to come from Planning
It's so much in my life that's undone
We gotta see eye to eye, about family, before we can become one
If you had decided to have it the situation I wouldn't run from
But I'm walkin, findin myself in my God
So I can, discipline my son with my writin
Not have a judge tellin me how and when to raise my seed
Though his death was at our greed, with no one else to blame
I had a book of Afrikan names, case our minds changed
You say your period hasn't came, and lately I've been sleepy
So quit smokin the weed and the beadies and let's have this boy

[Lauryn Hill]
I, never dreamed you'd leave in summer
You said you would be here when it rained
You said you would be here when it rained
Ohh I, never dreamed you'd leave in summer
Now the situation's made things change
Things change
Why, didn't you stay
Why didn't you stay...
I, never dreamed you'd leave, in summer
In summer
You said you would be here when, it rained
When it rained, it rained
Ohhhohh I, never dreamed, you'd leave in summer
You said you wouldn't leave
Now the situation's made things change
Things change, why didn't you stay?
Stay, stay stay stay stay stay stay
Mmmmm, stayyy
Uh-uh
Ohh why didn't you stay.. 





Click the link to buy the Common album and put a little extra money in my pocket......THANKS!!

How to kid proof your house.

I got this one. I know I have the best answer ever. Hands down, this is the ONLY way to do it.


PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR CHILD.
TEACH THEM HOW TO LISTEN AND TO RESPECT PAIN AND SUFFERING.


Thats how I did it. I made sure my son never had something metal in his hand to stick in a socket.

I let my son bump his head a couple of times on a sharp corner until he realized, "hey that hurts, I don't think I want to do that anymore."

I put elastics on door handles that would snap his hand if he opened the cupboard. "Ouch!"

Recently, I taught my son how to improve his balance while we were on the bus riding around town.

I watch, teach and engage my son in every part of his life.

About a week ago, he decided he was going to drink a litre of Coca Cola. So I let him. When he complained about the stomach ache, I explained to him, "everything in moderation."

You might think it's harsh, I think if you don't do this, your setting your kids up for failure.

Yours truly,




East Van Single Dad.

Oops, forgot to leave the link.

http://www.thesafestline.com.


Are you safe parent, or over protective and coddling?

2 in the stink, 1 in the dink PT. 1

First of, I would just like to apologize in advance for our more conservative readers. This post gets a little graphic. But if you are a Tory, I don't care for your opinion anyways.

Is it a boy or a girl?

Peeing blood. Scary as SHIT! It has happened to me once before and I was diagnosed with a bladder infection (not scary at all!), given some antibiotics and sent home from Mount St. Josephs Hospital. The second time it happened which was only a couple of months later I was fairly relaxed, showing up at the hospital feeling like I knew what to expect. But this enough time happened to be quite different! And uncomfortable.

I called up one of my best friends and spiritual adviser Danny and asked if he would keep me company. He obliged and met me on the way to the hospital. I asked Danny to join me because I knew he would bring some great reading material. It would also be ample time to sit and hang out and talk about religion and philosophy among other things which we had not had the time to do for a couple of months. He met me at Broadway station and we hopped a #99 B-line down to Fraser St. And had a nice stroll down to the hospital.

Upon being admitted to the emergency ward, I was surprised to be greeted by a friend who happened to be on shift. (I think that might of helped speed up the process). I was completely ready for the first step when it was asked, “Can you fill up this cup please?” I obliged, making sure to be ever so careful ( I didn't have gloves on like the hospital staff) and not spill any on my fingers. The pis came out looking like beet juice. Not beetlejuice, although a great 80's movie for what its worth. It was definitely enough blood in there to make anybody worry. But worrying is not my thing.

The sample got sent off and I was instructed to wait on a bed and chill out. Danny I began to talk like we had needed to until a short asian nurse came in and asked the mandatory questions.

“How long has this been happening?”

“About a week, but it happened once before a couple of months ago.”

“Any pain when you pee?”

“Nope”

“Any change in diet?”

“Nope.”

“Any hard drug use?

“Nope.”

“Your perfectly healthy otherwise?”

“Yep.”

“I hate to tell you this but uh, I'm going to have to examine you.”

This is the exact moment when Danny got up and left me to suffer. Now an “exam” is not what any straight male wants, (Would a gay guy even WANT that?) but since it needed to be done, I figured quit the complaining and get it over with. So after following a few quick instructions like rollover, put your left knee up towards your chest etc. In the short finger went.

If you've read this blog consistently, you would know I like to make the homophobes uncomfortable. This was definitely Karma getting me back. Luckily the whole finger in the bum test lasted no longer than it took to read this sentence. And after rodbusting for a while and working on a construction site, as soon as the finger was out and she told me I was all good, a plethora of quotes came to mind like, “Your not even going to give me your number,” or “Dinner first next time okay!” but somehow just didn't quite fit the bill. And she had probably heard them all before.

I texted Danny who was now back in the waiting room that everything was all good and he could come back in. We had chatted for a little while when the urologist came to see me. He asked me all the same questions as the first nurse and a couple more, looked at my chart to view the history, looked back at me and said,

“I'm uh, really sorry about this but were going to have to give you an exam.”

“Are you fucking serious?” I asked. “I just had one half an hour ago.”

“I'll be right back with some gloves and K-Y.”

“Shitty.”

“I'll be in the waiting room.” Said Danny

At least the asian nurse was short. This dude was at least 6 feet tall and I didn't need to look at his hands to know this finger was going to bring a bit more uncomfortablity with it. He came in and did what he needed to, with all the subtlety of a bulldozer, and pulled his finger out. And guess what. He said the exact same thing as the other nurse.

“Everything feels alright in there. I'll be right back with some paper towels for you to clean up and we will get you an ultrasound.”

He never came back with the paper towels. And waddling around an emergency ward with an assful of lube was not my definition of fun. But none of this really was. I got cleaned up, hollered at Danny again and we resumed the idle chit chat until I got hauled off for my ultrasound.

By the time I got to the ultrasound, my nerves were pretty racked, nobody could tell me there was anything wrong with me, I had had two fingers in my ass, though thankfully not at the same time, and it was having a tough time staying upbeat. I tried to be funny in the ultrasound with the nurse who was giving me the test with a smart remark.

“Can you tell me if it's a boy or a girl?”

“Thats funny. I never heard that one before.”

I knew right at that moment that fun times were over. And I wanted to go home. I didn't want test results or anything, just to get the fuck outta there. It no longer was fun. I should have jumped to that conclusion after the first or second finger in the bum but at least the doctor and nurse had a sense of humour. Long story short, the ultrasound found nothing. No baby gender or source of bloody urine. Back to the emergency ward, more talking to Danny.

After about a half an hour, the urologist came back and told me that I would have to come in for a cystoscopy. Whats a cystoscopy? Read the exciting conclusion to find out.